i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would