i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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