when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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