a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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