i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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