Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
