im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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