I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
