I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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