Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
