Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
