Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
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the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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