I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
