I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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