I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
