yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
should my penis look like a turkey
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
