cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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