If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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