I'm lost and stupid without you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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