we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
