Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
