Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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