I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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