I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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