If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
