Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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