i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
