Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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