I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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