Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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