If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
