I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
