I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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