Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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