I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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