I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
