Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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