At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
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