JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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