my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Randomize
