can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
