he shaved USA in his pubs
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
