Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
