Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He passed out mid-signature
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
