He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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