Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
