Cold hands, warm shart.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
