why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
