its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
