I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Randomize
