So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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