Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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