M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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