Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
